Friday, October 31, 2008

Back Home

I got down on the land where i was born 30 years ago last night(15/09/2008). That breath woke up so many memories. That touch of the ground made me feel so homely. I felt like disolving into that air,land, trees. I just couldn't pick up one memory from millions.
I was enjoying every moment. My village looks so great in full moon night. I was enjoying every step i was making towards my home. I felt like i was walking on the path of roses. I went into trance for some time. I wished that feeling should remain for ever. But, it didn't. The moment I saw my Mamma's face and all of my pleasure got evaporated. So much has changed in my Mamma. Everything got shattered. I was questioning myself that how good is money and career when my Mamma is suffering a lot. But, what can i do? Poor me. For my Mamma society matters a lot. This always been a dispute between us. I wonder on how much cost she is going through all this. Her life has been so miserable since she married more than 3 decades ago. This misery has even taken one of her children's life.
I was asking myself what all do i have to bring smiles on Mamma's face again? Money? My love towards her? Oh no. Then what is that? It is said that there is a solution for every problem under the sky and if there is none accept it. In my Mamma's case. There is one solution. But, she is not ready. That is taking divorce from her husband my so called dad.
I've threatened my Mamma by saying "I'll come in 5 months, if i don't see you happy and healthy. I'll never see you." No matter what you will do. Take my all the money if you want. Mamma's eyes became teary. But, i was controlling mine.
I left my village that full moon night itself by taking a ocean of sadness with me. Reached my sister's home to stay that night. Lights were switched off after some time. That was the moment my tears got burst. I was kept on crying till i got into sleep. I woke up again with tears. I was crying how good is my spirituality when my Mamma is going through this much of misery? I was crying that i was living in a virtual world. I was thinking that i became very strong and detached. Now, I've realised that i haven't put single step in that direction. Becoming a monk is very far away.
Mom, i love you.
(I'll be writing all about my life in future posts)